How to Care for Elderly Parents at Home

Home-based care helps seniors to live independently in their community. Getting there starts with understanding what your loved one needs, organizing their home, and ensuring their legal and financial affairs are up to date. Becoming your parent’s caregiver also means asking for help when you need it and accepting it when it’s offered.

Assess needs and make a flexible plan

Before making any decisions, take time to assess your loved one’s physical, emotional, and cognitive needs.^[01] Are they able to bathe and dress independently? Can they manage medications on their own? Do they have mobility issues or chronic health conditions?

Carol Bradley Bursack, eldercare advocate and author of Minding Our Elders, recommends developing a written care plan and updating it often. “What works today may not work next month,” she says. “Caregiving is an evolving process.”

Ensure safety and well-being at home

Transforming a home into a safe environment is critical. Falls and injuries are common risks for seniors, especially as mobility declines.^[02] Common steps to support safety include:

• Installing grab bars and handrails in key areas
• Removing clutter and tripping hazards
• Improving lighting, especially in hallways and staircases
• Creating a medication routine or using a pill organizer

Talk with your loved one about changes before making them, and ensure they understand that your goal is to help them stay independent.

“You’re not taking away their independence by making adjustments,” Bursack explains. “You’re helping preserve it by preventing dangerous setbacks.”

Make or update financial and legal plans

Conversations about money and decision-making are never easy, but avoiding them only leads to greater stress during crises.^[03]

Bursack encourages families to tackle these issues early and as a team. Involving a financial planner or elder law attorney can provide clarity and peace of mind.

As you plan ahead, consider planning for the following:

• Budgets, insurance, and benefits (such as Medicare or VA support)
• Establishing power of attorney and healthcare directives
• Organizing bills, bank accounts, and long-term care documents

Create soothing daily routines

Familiar, comforting environments help elderly parents — especially those with cognitive decline — feel safe. Music, predictable routines, and gentle sensory experiences (like a favorite lotion or warm tea) can make a big difference.

Bursack suggests asking, “Would you like me to read from your favorite book?” or “Would some music help you feel more at ease?”

Ask for help when you need it

You don’t have to do everything alone. Many public and nonprofit services exist specifically to support caregivers and older adults.^[04]

“Let go of the idea that you must do it all,” Bursack advises. “It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a strategy for long-term success.”

If you need support or a short break from caregiving, consider:

• Respite care
• Adult day centers
• Local area agencies on aging
• Caregiver support groups
• Other family members

Let our care assessment guide you

The emotional demands of caregiving are real. Consider these tips as you support your loved one in their desire to age in place.

Respect parents’ autonomy, even when it’s hard

It’s natural to want to “fix” everything for an aging parent, especially when you’re seeing decline. But Bursack warns against making decisions for them too soon. “Respect who they are and the life they’ve lived,” she says. Instead of telling them what to do, involve them in conversations: “What are your plans for the future? How can I support you?”

Supporting your loved one’s agency preserves their dignity and eases emotional tension.

Pay attention to behaviors as communication

Unexplained agitation, withdrawal, or repetitive questions are often labeled “problem behaviors,” especially in dementia care. But Bursack urges caregivers to look deeper: “They are often trying to tell us something — pain, fear, discomfort, confusion.”

Before reacting, pause and ask: are they in pain? Hungry? Cold? Disoriented?

Your response, especially your tone of voice and body language, can soothe or escalate a situation. Approach conversations with patience and curiosity.

Manage your own behavior first

One of Bursack’s most powerful pieces of advice is this: the behavior that most needs managing often belongs to the caregiver.

“Our stress, tone, and urgency are picked up instantly,” she explains. Fast speech, quick movements, or sharp tones can unintentionally create anxiety.

Bursack recommends practicing self-regulation: take breaks, breathe, and return calmly. Your emotional steadiness can be as therapeutic as any medical intervention.

Validate their reality

Especially when interacting with people who have dementia, arguing or “correcting” their perception of reality is usually counterproductive. As Bursack puts it, validation isn’t deception; it’s compassion.

“I never felt I was lying to Dad,” she says. “I got in his heart and his brain and tried my best to see what would validate how he was feeling.”

Draw boundaries to protect your emotional health

Not all caregiving situations are built on a foundation of love or trust. Bursack acknowledges that many adult children care for parents who were neglectful, or even abusive. “Some people can’t do hands-on caregiving for their own emotional safety,” she notes. And that’s okay.

Support comes in many forms: managing care logistics, hiring professionals, or simply checking in.

Prioritize your own well-being

Caregivers often sacrifice their own health and happiness, but burnout helps no one. Caregiving demands both emotional and physical stamina.^[04]

“Caregivers must remember that self-care isn’t selfish — it’s survival,” Bursack says. Rest, she adds, isn’t a reward, it’s a requirement. She recommends:

• Setting boundaries to protect your time and energy
• Scheduling breaks and using respite care services
• Maintaining your own medical checkups and hobbies
• Saying “yes” when others offer help

Communicate openly and with empathy

Caring for an elderly parent can reopen old dynamics or create new tensions. Open communication is the bridge to understanding.^[05]

“Sometimes they’re not angry at you,” Bursack reminds us. “They’re angry at the losses aging brings.” Taking an empathetic approach can help your loved one feel less defensive.

How to do it:

• Practice patience, even when emotions are high
• Validate your loved one’s fears about aging or dependency
• Use “I” statements and listen actively^[05]
• Respect your loved one’s dignity, even in hard conversations

Talk about death honestly and gently

When an elderly parent asks, “Am I dying?” it’s not always coming from a place of fear, Bursack says. They may simply be curious or asking for reassurance.

She encourages a truthful but gentle response: “We don’t know exactly, but the doctors believe you may not have much time. I’m here with you. How can I support you?”

Silence can also be powerful. Just being present can bring peace in ways words cannot.

Talk with a Senior Living Advisor

Caring for an aging parent at home is more than managing tasks. It’s about sustaining love, dignity, and connection. With thoughtful planning, self-awareness, and help from others, you can support your loved one in their goal to live independently for as long as possible.

“Let them teach you,” Bursack advises. Whether through words, behaviors, or quiet moments, your parents are still communicating. Stay open to their needs and your own.

If your loved one eventually needs more support, A Place for Mom’s Senior Living Advisors can help you explore senior living options (including assisted living, memory care, and nursing homes) that are designed to support safety and well-being.