Siblings often disagree when faced with decisions about an elderly parent’s care. Here are some of the most common issues siblings argue about and advice to resolve them.
Adult siblings don’t always see caregiving needs the same way. One child may have the impression that a parent is doing fine at home, while another feels that they need extra help. This is especially common if family members are spread out geographically or spend different amounts of time with aging loved ones.
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An outside opinion can often help resolve this issue. Arrange for a geriatric care manager to visit your loved one’s home for a safety assessment. Also consult your parent’s primary doctor about recent deterioration and developing physical challenges.
Clarification from health care professionals can define next steps and prevent sibling arguments about how much care is necessary.
Once care needs are established, the next step is deciding who will provide care. If you think a senior living community may be a good solution, our Senior Living Advisors have experience matching seniors’ needs and lifestyle preferences with communities across the U.S.
If your loved one will remain at home, sibling help can range from financial assistance to daily visits. If you or another sibling are considering full-time caregiving, read these top 10 duties of a senior caregiver to better understand what the role requires.
Often the child who lives closest to their aging parent, or has the closest emotional relationship, will assume the main caregiver role. When other family members don’t readily offer to help, the primary caregiver can feel isolated, alone, and resentful.
From a distance, it may not be clear to family members just how difficult caregiving has become for you. Sometimes, your role as primary caregiver is unavoidable due to family dynamics.
If siblings live far away, or have never had a close relationship with your parent, they may not be able to provide in-person support. Suggest how they can help from afar with things like finances, appointment scheduling, meals, or emotional support.
Sometimes one child takes over the caregiving role and leaves other family members in the dark, perhaps even limiting access to the elderly loved one.
If possible, call or write to your sibling, explaining your feelings and desire to be more involved. If your relationship with the caregiving sibling is strained, strive to maintain ongoing communication with your parent through phone calls, email, or letters.
If your sibling is acting as a gatekeeper and prevents you from reaching your parents, and you have reason to believe there may be abuse or exploitation involved, call local Adult Protective Services to intervene.
Even if your sibling is angry, remember that you’re putting the health and safety of your parents first.
Sometimes, siblings may not understand or choose to ignore how much help the parent needs. Other times, children refuse to care for an elderly parent due to negative past relationships or current inability.
If you believe your siblings just aren’t aware of your efforts, try to schedule visits or video calls, or request doctor testimony to explain the severity of the situation.
If your siblings refuse to help due to past trauma or current circumstances, that’s their right. See if they are willing to help financially, or provide you with emotional support, even if they won’t interact with aging parents.
When immediate family members come together to care for aging parents, they often revert to dysfunctional and unhealthy roles from the past. Think of all the times Mom or Dad broke up your fights as kids, and remember that this is about what’s best for them, not your longstanding arguments.
Sometimes a neutral third party is the only way to calm feuding family members. Representatives from the National Family Caregiver Support Program or your local chapter of the Area Agency on Aging could act as mediators. A doctor or geriatric care manager can also mediate.
At a family meeting, there should be frank and open discussion about a parent’s care needs. Each sibling’s role and obligations should be established, and future plans should be made. Discuss finances, caregiving, and any wishes your parents already have in place.
Sometimes, adult children realize that their loved one needs care, but the parent refuses to see it as an option. This can lead to a divide between siblings who want to follow their parent’s wishes and those who know it isn’t feasible.
Listen to their concerns. Emphasize your role as an advocate who wants to maintain the quality of life they enjoy, and show how senior living or in-home care can help.
Sometimes older parents have an outdated view of senior living. Explain that today’s assisted living communities are very different from the nursing homes where they may remember their own parents or grandparents living.
Suggest you see communities together, whether through in-person visits or a virtual tour. After understanding the amenities and lifestyle senior living has to offer, they may be more likely to make the transition.
It’s a harsh reality that, as they age, many loved ones experience significant personality changes due to dementia or physical decline. You may find that the parent you’ve been close with your entire life is physically threatening or verbally abusing you, and your siblings won’t believe it’s happening.
Take a step back and remember that this isn’t your fault.
Caregiver burnout is especially common in this situation, which can cause your own health and relationships to suffer. If you’re a full-time caregiver who’s decided to keep a loved one at home, consider adult daycare, occasional respite stays, or weekly home care.
Your aging parent may threaten or attempt to manipulate you when the topic of outside senior care is broached. Recognize that this is another sign they need professional help, and get siblings or your local police department’s elder affairs officer involved.
Finances play an enormous role in how siblings choose to care for their aging parents. The cost of senior living often seems overwhelming and can deter families from exploring all of their options.
If your aging loved one does require in-home care, hospice, or senior living, who will pay for it? Should residual expenses be split evenly between siblings, or should those with higher incomes pay more?
Try to make these financial decisions and establish a budget in advance. Ask your parents how much money they’ve saved and if they’ve taken out a long-term care insurance policy.
If you and your family decide that aging at home is the best option for your loved one, recognize the financial repercussions. From food and medicine to potential home health services, personal caregiving can be economically draining.
For sandwich generation caregivers with full-time jobs, the emotional and financial toll is severe.
If you don’t have money available for outside care, or to support a parent in-home, see if a family member can get paid to be a caregiver. If your loved one qualifies for Medicaid or Veterans Aid (VA) benefits, in some states you may be able to secure a caregiving stipend.
In this Ask an Advisor Series: How to Finance video, A Place for Mom’s advisors share tips they’ve learned from working with thousands of families to secure affordable senior living.
Contact our free, local Senior Living Advisors to see how they can help with your family’s specific needs.
End-of-life care is controversial. One child may want to arrange hospice care for a terminally ill parent, while another may advocate that every day lived is a victory. In both cases, family members want what is best for their aging parent, but they disagree about what that means.
End-of-life conflicts can be avoided when seniors, well before a medical crisis, write a living will — also called a healthcare directive — that specifies end-of-life wishes. Ask that they pre-designate a power of attorney, or durable power of attorney, to carry out these requests.
If you’re worried that power of attorney could be contested in your family, have all documents signed by a lawyer or notarized at your local post office or bank.
Power of attorney is one of the most frequent conflicts between siblings with aging parents. This is partially due to misunderstandings about the position.
Sadly, inheritance issues with siblings are common, and they often stem from a lack of communication. Explain to your aging parent the importance of estate planning.
While it’s not appropriate to worry your loved one unnecessarily about heirlooms, it can actually be helpful to discuss things in advance so that siblings don’t feel shortchanged. If there’s something that matters to you, let your parent know.
Disputes about inheritances can be ideal cases for family mediators. A family mediator’s job is to analyze these situations fairly and objectively, and to help siblings find areas of common ground.
Fran Russo, author of “They’re Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy,” offers these tips to help you take action and avoid conflict:
Claire Samuels is a content writer at A Place for Mom. She worked with senior living communities throughout the Midwest before pivoting to writing. She’s passionate about sharing ways of living well at any age.