Sometimes, it’s as simple as saying “I love you.” For most people, knowing what to say to a dying loved one can feel uncomfortable. Don’t let discomfort or not knowing what to say make you avoid worthwhile conversations with your loved one at the end of their life. Use these five tips to know what to say to someone who is dying. They can help make a difficult time comforting and meaningful for both of you.
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When talking to your loved one, focus on their needs. Everyone is comforted by different things. Small gestures, such as holding their hand or rubbing their back may feel relaxing or comforting to some. Others may find solace in tangible items, such as photo albums or mementos.
“One of the most important concepts in the field of grief and loss is that people drift in and out of the awareness of dying,” says Kenneth Doka, a senior consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America, and professor emeritus of gerontology at the graduate school of The College of New Rochelle. “Sometimes they do talk about it, sometimes not. The dying one should control the agenda. Don’t force conversations on them.”
When your loved one feels ready to talk, the following suggestions can be comforting ways to begin a conversation:
Kenneth Doka, senior consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America and professor emeritus of gerontology at the graduate school of The College of New RochelleThe dying one should control the agenda. Don’t force conversations on them.
Sometimes, all it takes is three words. Don’t forget to make your feelings known, for this may be your last chance.
We all express love differently. Make sure you’re expressing your affection in a way that your loved one can understand. If they appreciate acts of service, think about what you can do practically to let them know you care. If they’ve always loved flowers, get them a bouquet. But use your words, too.
Dying people typically want to hear (and say) four things, writes Dr. Ira Byock, professor of palliative medicine at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in his book The Four Things That Matter Most:
If any of these seem fitting — whether you need to make peace, forgive, love, or simply thank them for anything they’ve done — remain open to them. Your loved one deserves to hear and say what they need at the end.
Letters can be a powerful way to communicate with a dying loved one, especially if other types of affection make you uncomfortable. In a letter, consider reflecting on the happy times you shared, even if it was many years ago. Recount old stories that may inspire laughter or the feeling of a life well-lived. Use the space and freedom of a letter to comfort your loved one.
“People often approach death by making sure their life had significance,” says Doka. “Have conversations about the things they’ve learned, the legacies they’ve left, the memories you have of them. Help them feel like they were important.”
Kenneth DokaHave conversations about the things they’ve learned, the legacies they’ve left, the memories you have of them. Help them feel like they were important.
As experts like Doka note, when people are about to die, one of the things they cherish most is the feeling that they mattered and that they were important to someone… that they were important to you. Here are some ways to begin a letter to a dying loved one:
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Everyone approaches their mortality differently. Some will find it important to mend relationships with family or friends, while others will prefer to focus on finding ways to remember accomplishments or airing out old regrets.
Either way, it’s important to give your loved one a chance to open up and process what they’ve experienced, as well as what’s to come. Now can be the best time to talk about memories, share stories, or discuss lessons learned.
Here are several questions to ask your loved one before they die:
There’s no perfect or easy way to navigate these moments or conversations. Above all, do your best to remain authentic, supportive, and understanding. When talking to your loved one, remember that it’s OK to:
Open conversation or not, there are some things one should generally avoid saying to someone who is dying.
Read more:Palliative Care vs. Hospice
In many cases, a loved one dies suddenly due to an accident, heart attack, or other event. Sadly, there is little or no time to prepare or say goodbye. But with terminal illnesses like cancer, you can talk about end-of-life issues over months or even years. Yet we often don’t know what to say so we may miss out on opportunities to connect deeply.
In addition to having meaningful conversations, it’s also important to have your loved one’s affairs in order, according to Brian Carpenter, psychological and brain sciences professor at Washington University in St. Louis. In an interview for the American Psychological Association he suggested asking the three following questions to help eliminate end-of-life stress regarding the following issues:
As difficult as it can be to have these discussions, it’ll make it easier to move forward so that you’re able to focus on the present with your loved one.
Don’t forget to nurture yourself during this time, too. Caregivers or family members who need support through a loved one’s death, and the bereavement process, may find it most helpful to turn to others who have been through a similar experience. Caregiver support groups can be a great resource for this.
Grief counseling or therapy can also be positive avenues to pursue when you need professional advice or someone to talk to. While everyone is different, there are best practices when it comes to talking to those who are grieving. Hospice services may provide grief support for family members for a year after a loved one’s passing. Talk to your loved one’s hospice provider to see if they offer this service.
Saying goodbye to your loved one will never be easy. However, staying prepared, asking questions, and having open conversations can help you both find a sense of peace and much-needed comfort in the end.
Key Takeaways
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