What to Say to Someone Who Is Dying

When talking to your loved one, focus on their needs. Everyone is comforted by different things. Small gestures, such as holding their hand or rubbing their back may feel relaxing or comforting to some. Others may find solace in tangible items, such as photo albums or mementos.

“One of the most important concepts in the field of grief and loss is that people drift in and out of the awareness of dying,” says Kenneth Doka, a senior consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America, and professor emeritus of gerontology at the graduate school of The College of New Rochelle. “Sometimes they do talk about it, sometimes not. The dying one should control the agenda. Don’t force conversations on them.”

When your loved one feels ready to talk, the following suggestions can be comforting ways to begin a conversation:

• Ask how they’re doing today. Check in with your loved one. Discuss their feelings, thoughts, concerns; talk about their day or other topics they suggest.
• Ask what they need. Remind your loved one that you’re here to help. If they have particular wants or wishes, try to ensure that they’re carried out. Keep in mind that your loved one may feel too unwell to properly ask for help, or they may want to avoid becoming a burden. If you think that’s the case, do your best to asses your loved one’s needs and deliver.
• Let them know you’re there. No one should feel alone, as these feelings can create unhealthy stress and excess sadness. It’s important to let your loved one know that you’re there for them — reassurance is key. Some good phrases to use are “You are not alone in this,” and “I’m here with you and for you.”

Sometimes, all it takes is three words. Don’t forget to make your feelings known, for this may be your last chance.

We all express love differently. Make sure you’re expressing your affection in a way that your loved one can understand. If they appreciate acts of service, think about what you can do practically to let them know you care. If they’ve always loved flowers, get them a bouquet. But use your words, too.

Dying people typically want to hear (and say) four things, writes Dr. Ira Byock, professor of palliative medicine at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in his book The Four Things That Matter Most:

• “I forgive you.”
• “Please forgive me.”
• “I love you.”
• “Thank you.”

If any of these seem fitting — whether you need to make peace, forgive, love, or simply thank them for anything they’ve done —  remain open to them. Your loved one deserves to hear and say what they need at the end.

Read more:7 Little-Known Facts About Hospice Care at Assisted Living Facilities

Letters can be a powerful way to communicate with a dying loved one, especially if other types of affection make you uncomfortable. In a letter, consider reflecting on the happy times you shared, even if it was many years ago. Recount old stories that may inspire laughter or the feeling of a life well-lived. Use the space and freedom of a letter to comfort your loved one.

“People often approach death by making sure their life had significance,” says Doka. “Have conversations about the things they’ve learned, the legacies they’ve left, the memories you have of them. Help them feel like they were important.”

As experts like Doka note, when people are about to die, one of the things they cherish most is the feeling that they mattered and that they were important to someone… that they were important to you. Here are some ways to begin a letter to a dying loved one:

• Thank you for the …
• I will never forget when we …
• You are the reason I learned to appreciate …
• I’ve been thinking of you. I remember when …
• Without you, I would have never discovered …
• I am so grateful that you taught me the importance of …

Let our care assessment guide you

Everyone approaches their mortality differently. Some will find it important to mend relationships with family or friends, while others will prefer to focus on finding ways to remember accomplishments or airing out old regrets.

Either way, it’s important to give your loved one a chance to open up and process what they’ve experienced, as well as what’s to come. Now can be the best time to talk about memories, share stories, or discuss lessons learned.

Here are several questions to ask your loved one before they die:

• What are the most important lessons that life taught you?
• What are your favorite memories?
• What legacies do you want to leave behind?
• What experiences have been the most precious?
• If you could relive a moment all over again, what would it be?

There’s no perfect or easy way to navigate these moments or conversations. Above all, do your best to remain authentic, supportive, and understanding. When talking to your loved one, remember that it’s OK to:

• Admit you don’t have all of the answers
• Not understand why this is happening
• Cry and express your emotions openly
• Be silent — sometimes the best words can be no words

Read more:What is Hospice Care at Home: Services, Payment, and What to Expect

Open conversation or not, there are some things one should generally avoid saying to someone who is dying.

• Don’t give false assurances. This can undermine trust and add unnecessary anxiety into a situation that is already difficult enough.
• Don’t force a conversation. Be patient with your loved one. If they’re not ready to talk, give them time to process their feelings and emotions.
• Don’t force religion if your loved one is not religious. If your loved one is not spiritual, be respectful and mindful of their beliefs.
• Don’t force them to accept palliative care at home if they would prefer to receive care in another setting.

Read more:Palliative Care vs. Hospice

In many cases, a loved one dies suddenly due to an accident, heart attack, or other event. Sadly, there is little or no time to prepare or say goodbye. But with terminal illnesses like cancer, you can talk about end-of-life issues over months or even years. Yet we often don’t know what to say so we may miss out on opportunities to connect deeply.

In addition to having meaningful conversations, it’s also important to have your loved one’s affairs in order, according to Brian Carpenter, psychological and brain sciences professor at Washington University in St. Louis. In an interview for the American Psychological Association he suggested asking the three following questions to help eliminate end-of-life stress regarding the following issues:

1. Finances. Ask where their important financial documents (power of attorney, wills, life insurance policies, etc.) are located so they can be organized, stored, and carried out correctly by the right person.
2. Funeral or service. What kind of arrangement do they prefer? Who do they want to be involved, or who do they want there? Is there anything they don’t want?
3. Location for end-of-life care. If they’re given a choice, do they prefer to be at home, a different residential setting, a hospice center, or the hospital?

As difficult as it can be to have these discussions, it’ll make it easier to move forward so that you’re able to focus on the present with your loved one.

Read more:Who Pays for Hospice Care at Home? Your Options, Explained

Don’t forget to nurture yourself during this time, too. Caregivers or family members who need support through a loved one’s death, and the bereavement process, may find it most helpful to turn to others who have been through a similar experience. Caregiver support groups can be a great resource for this.

Grief counseling or therapy can also be positive avenues to pursue when you need professional advice or someone to talk to. While everyone is different, there are best practices when it comes to talking to those who are grieving. Hospice services may provide grief support for family members for a year after a loved one’s passing. Talk to your loved one’s hospice provider to see if they offer this service.

Saying goodbye to your loved one will never be easy. However, staying prepared, asking questions, and having open conversations can help you both find a sense of peace and much-needed comfort in the end.