Finding a Place for Dad: Senior Living Tips for Elderly Men

The percentage of women in senior living increases with age and level of care. Why is there such uneven gender representation in senior care?

Women live longer than men. The average American man will live to be 76, while the average woman will live to 81, according to the most recent statistics from the CDC. However, this age gap has been shrinking for decades. And as the population gets older, senior living communities are aware of the greater need for gender-diverse senior care.

Family caregivers are usually female. Women are twice as likely to care for aging family members as men, according to the Family Caregiver Alliance. Men of the baby boomer generation may not be prepared to manage a household while caring for an aging spouse, while older women are more likely to care for their husbands at home. Divorced senior men are also more likely to marry younger women who can care for them longer.

Elderly men may not be comfortable with care. Eighty percent of senior living staff members are women, according to Argentum. And, in this study on patients’ primary care physician gender preferences, researchers found patients of both sexes most often select providers of the same gender. Older men may be uncomfortable with female nursing assistance with activities of daily living (ADLs) such as dressing or bathing, and would prefer a male caregiver, according to the American Geriatrics Society. The desire to remain self-sufficient, coupled with this discomfort, prevents some men from exploring senior living options. Touring senior living communities and meeting other male residents can help eliminate some of these roadblocks. Meeting likeminded seniors is a great way to avoid social isolation, too.

Gains in lifespan potential come as good news for most men, of course, but downsides include the increased likelihood that men may outlive their wives, or live to be older and more sick than they would have in the recent past. It’s no surprise then, that more men are entering senior care facilities during this time. Other factors driving this trend include the following:

• Childlessness. Adult children and grandchildren are the most frequent providers of non-institutional elder care, but, according to Lynn Feinberg of the AARP, “The proportion of the frail older population — those 85 and older — without any surviving children will increase from about 16% in 2000 to about 21% in 2040.”
• Innovations in senior living arrangements. Today’s senior care facilities offer amenities such as restaurant-like meal service, housekeeping, fitness facilities classes, game rooms, and transportation to outside activities. Combined with round-the-clock access to emergency help, these offerings make assisted living seem like an obvious choice for many seniors.
• Serious health conditions. Whether acute or chronic, health conditions are the driving force that propels many seniors to enter assisted living. According to the CDC, among the assisted living population, nearly 75% have been diagnosed with “at least 2 of the 10 most common chronic conditions.”

Whether a man will feel at home in a community is a common concern family members share when seeking senior living for a male relative, says Nick Chareas, a Senior Living Advisor at A Place for Mom.

“Early on in the call, they’ll wonder if Dad will fit in.”

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Fortunately, senior living communities have groups, activities, and offerings universally enjoyable for most everyone. Here are five things to look for when touring senior living with your dad.

1. Men’s groups. Friendship is important for any senior’s well-being. Seeking out a men’s group can help ensure your male loved one will make connections with like-minded people in their new home. Chareas once saw — and heard — a men’s group while visiting a community in Chicago.  They were walking and laughing, feasting together on a well-made meal. The men were at their weekly Saturday meeting; they also planned card games and other community activities.

2. Veterans clubs. Coffee and dinner groups for veterans are common, according to Jane DiSalle, a Senior Living Advisor with A Place for Mom.

“Honor walls are also quite popular, with residents’ wartime veteran’s pictures hanging for all to see,” she says.

3. Masculine spaces. Common areas in senior living communities are often designed to appeal to female residents, but not always. Many communities create gender neutral common areas with the comfort of every resident in mind, while others may have a designated “male space” that some senior men may enjoy.

• Some communities design rooms to look like pubs or fishing lodges that may appeal to some elderly men, while others have designated game room nights.
• A private room is a great space to personalize, but ask about decorating rules. Can your dad move in his memorabilia? If there is artwork on the walls, can he change it?
• Many assisted living communities have on-site amenities like salons. Ask if the salon offers regular services for men, such as barber visits.
• See if the on-site fitness center offers any male-only workout classes. Some older men may be uncomfortable doing activities like yoga in front of women.

4. Staff participation. Men aren’t always as likely to seek each other out or make plans. If there’s a men’s group at the community, see if the activities director or another staff member helps plan events. If your loved one isn’t particularly social, try to make sure they’ll be invited and welcomed to the activities

5. Companionship. Couples in senior living are less common than single older adults. If your male relative is interested in dating, senior housing could be an ideal situation.

When finding senior living for older males, look for communities that cultivate unique and inclusive activities for all residents. While many games — like chess, cards, and golf — can be enjoyed by all genders, activities designed especially for men can create a sense of community between male residents.

Talk with a Senior Living Advisor

Here are some activities assisted living communities may offer:

• Competitive activities. Many senior men tend to like competitive activities, says Chareas. Video games like Wii Sports allow both men and women to compete in virtual versions of their favorite pastimes, including golf and tennis. Some assisted living communities may even have their own small putting greens or arrange tee times at local golf courses. Others have fishing ponds or offer outings to nearby lakes.
• Service organizations. Communities may host meetings of the Rotary Club, Elks, or Knights of Columbus in their activity rooms. It’s a great opportunity for older men to reconnect with any clubs they may have participated in before and spend time with younger members.
• Creative activities. Crafts are an important activity in senior living — they’re productive, take time, and encourage motor skills. While knitting and needlepoint are often popular crafts for older men, some men may prefer alternatives like building birdhouses or model cars. That said, retirement is an excellent time to learn new skills — maybe knitting will be your dad’s favorite pastime!
• Scheduled trips or outings. Chareas recalls meeting a particularly energetic 96-year-old wheeling his suitcase into the elevator of an assisted living facility. The older man was the leader of his community’s weekly poker night and was on the way to Las Vegas with a group of senior residents.
• Weekly game nights. Cards, chess, and backgammon are popular among older men and women. Some providers, like Evergreen Senior Living, an assisted living management group based in Illinois, have on-site pubs they reserve for game nights once a week.

Address their fears. Loss of purpose, physical weakness, and dependence on others are three of men’s top fears about aging, according to the American Geriatrics Society. The right senior living fit can keep older adults healthy, happy, and active longer, diminishing these fears.

Have an honest conversation. The senior living conversation is always a difficult one and can be especially challenging for men who don’t want to be cared for. Focus on the independence your loved one can maintain in senior living and discuss some of the activities and groups listed above. Describe the stimulating social interaction senior living can provide and emphasize how important avoiding social isolation is for his health and well-being.

All these factors came together for Janet Hershey, whose father wandered at night and risked having a safety incident. She felt reassured that her father would be seen and appreciated at the community they eventually chose.

“I love the interaction with the staff and the residents. Every single staff member knows every single resident’s name. I just knew my dad would really like that,” Hershey says.

The staff’s willingness to bond was a selling point, but activities sealed the deal.

“Every month they send out an activity calendar to the families. I’d go two or three times a week. Probably every week, they have live music. We’d dance with all the residents. They have arts and crafts. They have exercise classes. Then, once a month, we’d go on a bus ride together. We went to the beach and had lunch.

“I feel like he knows that we love him,” Hershey adds. “I’m so thankful to A Place for Mom.”

References

Argentum. Senior Living Resident Profile.

https://www.argentum.org/wp-content/uploads/Senior-Living-Resident-Profile-WhitePaper.pdf

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