Living With Elderly Parents: Benefits, Challenges, and How to Cope

Lynette and Marty Whiteman were getting used to losing sleep.

After Lynette’s aging mother Mildred moved into their New Jersey home from her retirement community, she regularly woke the couple, asking for help at odd hours. To Mildred, the requests were urgent, but Marty didn’t see changing light bulbs or resetting microwave clocks as tasks to crawl out of bed for.

Mildred’s increasing care needs — and midnight knocks on the couple’s door — were taking a toll on their marriage. Tension over caregiving roles steadily increased, while privacy decreased. Communication broke down, and stress piled up.

It seemed like Lynette and Marty had put their lives — and their marriage — on hold to care for Mildred. However, the couple’s situation improved after they agreed to work as a team, make adjustments, and follow a few pieces of advice.

1. Make time for everyone, including yourself

Give yourself enough time off work to care for yourself and your parent while maintaining your job and your spousal relationship, if you have them. Make sure you can maintain all aspects of your life, including regular activities with your aging parent, dates with your partner, time for work, and alone time to recharge.

2. Set boundaries

When you’re taking care of an elderly parent in your home, they aren’t a guest. You can share rules and guidelines with them as members of the family and household. For example, it was fine for Mildred to wake up her daughter with medical concerns or emergencies, but resetting clocks could wait until morning.

Keep in mind that guidelines may not work on loved ones with dementia or cognitive decline, since they’ll likely be unable to remember these limits.

3. Accept that some things don’t change

Lynette had to finally face the fact that she could never transform her mother, who continued to isolate herself at home, into a happy person. She could only make sure her mom was taken care of and safe.

If past or current family issues aren’t resolved, parent and child relationships can become especially strained when the elderly parent moves in with the adult child. The adult child must be willing to accept that they can’t change the past or their parent. Their role is simply to keep their parent safe and healthy, not change them.

4. Don’t be afraid to ask for help

Caregiver burnout is a state of physical and mental exhaustion caused by the prolonged, high-level stress that providing health and safety oversight for another person can bring. Cleveland Clinic notes that caregiver burnout typically manifests as anxiety or depression, with similar symptoms.^[01]

Even short breaks from caregiving can prevent caregiver burnout. Marty and Lynette eventually hired a home care aide to come once a week to help Mildred shower, a decision that eliminated what was once a daunting task.

Let our care assessment guide you

Benefits to the elderly parent include security, but benefits can also go both ways. Sometimes an aging parent can also contribute to the household with things like cooking meals or helping grandkids with homework, says Jennifer FitzPatrick, a former gerontology instructor and author of Cruising Through Caregiving: Reducing the Stress of Caring for Your Loved One.

The Whitemans, like many adults who choose to care for aging parents, thought having Mildred in the home would not only keep her safe and happy but lend convenience as well. They thought it would be easier than having to travel back and forth between their home and hers. Caring for Mildred at home also seemed like a good idea to Lynette because she would receive regular social interaction, and they could form a closer relationship together.

“It was a great idea in concept,” says Lynette. “But we didn’t know what we were getting into.”

Read more:Moving Senior Parents Into Your Home? 8 Helpful Questions to Ask

Many families think that living with elderly parents will simplify caregiving. They believe it may be less expensive than senior living and easier than visiting an aging relative in a senior living community. But sometimes these expectations don’t fit the hefty responsibility of being a family caregiver, and the arrangement quickly becomes strained.

Before moving in with her daughter, Mildred had grown depressed and isolated. Her late husband — Lynette’s father — had been outgoing, and he kept the couple engaged in community life and social events. Without him around, Lynette was worried that Mildred would become lonely or have an accident without someone else around. The responsibility to Mildred that was once on Lynette’s father was now placed on Lynette and her husband.

“We figured she’d have somebody if something happened in the middle of the night,” says Lynette.

So, they built a small, attached apartment with a private kitchen and bathroom using some of Mildred’s savings. But the adjustment was more difficult than expected.

If you’re considering taking care of an elderly parent in your home, professional caregivers suggest asking yourself the following questions. These questions can help families think things through realistically to potentially avoid future challenges.

1. How much care does your aging loved one need?

Maybe you’re comfortable cooking and doing laundry but aren’t as comfortable bathing your parent or helping them use the bathroom. Your parent may not currently need care, but they may in the near future. If you’re not able to provide such care in the event of their illness or injury, home care or assisted living may be helpful additions to your loved one’s future care plan.

2. Is the relationship mutually beneficial?

Consider that living with your elderly parent as a sandwich generation caregiver may only be possible when they can pitch in or provide some extra help. Sandwich generation means that you still care for children of your own while also covering your parent’s care. In these situations, if the benefits don’t outweigh the challenges, it might put an unsustainable strain on your own family life.

3. How is family caregiving affecting your marriage?

Up to 80% of people caring for an elderly parent or relative report increased strain on their romantic partnerships, according to an A Place for Mom survey of 300 family caregivers. After their adult sons moved out, Marty and Lynette grew accustomed to their newfound privacy and spontaneity. However, when Lynette’s mom moved in, privacy almost totally disappeared.

“We fought more than we had in a really long time,” says Lynette. “It complicated everything.”

4. Are you already experiencing caregiver burnout?

Taking care of elderly parents can lead to caregiver burnout, even if you don’t already currently live with them. The stress of being even a part-time caregiver to your parent, especially if you have a full-time job of your own is especially taxing. When they move in with you, your caregiving duties only increase to full time, leading to even more burnout. It’s important to remain aware of this condition, so that you can protect the health and safety of both your parent and yourself.

If being a family caregiver is already affecting your mental and physical health, it’s time to take a step back. This could mean enlisting other family members to help, arranging respite care, or considering a new caregiving situation altogether.

Read more:The Worrying Facts About Caregiver Health and Stress

Talk with a Senior Living Advisor

It’s possible to turn a difficult situation with an aging parent into a successful living arrangement. However, this doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes, the caregiving burden becomes too much, or the aging relative’s health and happiness are at risk. This is when it’s probably best to begin the senior care discussion or seek a senior living community.

“Don’t assume your parent will be heartbroken that you don’t think it’s going well,” says FitzPatrick. “Starting the discussion and asking their opinion shows respect.”

How to start the conversation

FitzPatrick recommends the following tips for having the senior care or senior living conversation:

• Address all the challenges of living with elderly parents. Include the difficulties they may be facing, as well. You might focus on the lack of privacy that everyone — including your parent — is experiencing. Then discuss and work as a team to find a solution.
• Prepare yourself psychologically for the senior care discussion. If your aging parent has a history of being temperamental, confrontational, or overly dependent, seek support from a counselor, geriatric care manager, or friend.
• Don’t feel guilty. Deciding against living with elderly parents doesn’t mean that you love them any less, or that you’re avoiding your responsibilities, says FitzPatrick. Senior living environments aren’t what they used to be. Seniors sometimes find themselves happier at their new community than they were at home due to senior living benefits, like resort-style amenities, services, and social activities.
• Help with the search for a senior living situation. If you’re no longer able to provide care for your parent, try to find new, better-fitting senior communities in your area. In this case, offering your support throughout the move can be a great way to show that you care and still want to help them.

If you’ve decided it’s time to find senior care options for your loved one, our Senior Living Advisors can help you. They’ll take note of your elderly parent’s specific care needs, wants, and budget, then give you a tailored list of communities in your area — all at no cost to your family. They can even recommend senior move managers in your area who can help make the process run as smoothly as possible.