Last Updated: November 19, 2019
Discussing age-related decline, assisted living, health and money with an aging senior parent can be intimidating to parents and adult children alike.
Our experts at A Place For Mom will guide and provide you with tips on topics regarding the age-related decline, dealing with resistant seniors, evaluating your elderly parents’ health, how to start a conversation with your senior parents, having ‘the talk’, and more.
For many families, going home for the holidays is a tradition that allows you to reconnect with your loved ones after months or even years. But sometimes these festive occasions are eye-opening to age-related decline, cognitive impairment, and health or safety issues facing our older loved ones.
Dad and Mom may have aged more than expected, or suddenly seem to need more assistance with daily tasks. Or maybe, your senior loved ones are doing fine, but you recognize that they are getting older. In either case, it is important to discuss topics and decisions regarding their advanced years and end of life wishes. You may wonder about the challenges of talking to aging parents about changes.1
A Place for Mom works with experts in many different fields who can help provide insight on preparing for the future — from the retirement years and beyond. Our experts help adult children learn how to recognize problems. They also provide advice on how to have tough conversations with parents or other aging family members this holiday season.
According to our experts, there are five must-have conversations you need to have this holiday season with your elderly parents. These are among the topics you should cover:
Dr. Leslie Kernisan, Geriatrician
As we grow older, we all pass milestones with our parents. Some of us grow taller, and at a certain point most of us grow stronger (we finally beat them in one-on-one basketball!). These milestones are a natural part of life and are often cherished memories.
Physical health decline is just as natural. However, you, your aging parents, and your family may find age-related decline difficult to confront. Age-related decline can result in a sort of role reversal that both parents and adult children find hard to deal with. Despite the difficult topic, starting a conversation about health and safety with your elderly parents is vitally important.
Geriatrician, Dr. Leslie Kernisan, gives us a checklist of ‘life tasks’ which could be red flags. This list may help you indicate whether or not your parent needs additional senior care. Dr. Kernisan suggests that, first and foremost, you observe their Activities of Daily Living (ADLs), which include things like the following:
Difficulty in performing these necessities of life is a major issue and a key indicator of the need for geriatric care. But such problems can also be indicative of greater health issues that may need diagnosis or treatment.
Even if your parent’s ADLs seem to be okay, there may still be less obvious issues at hand which can be just as potentially detrimental to a senior’s health and safety. These crucial components of life are known as the Instrumental Activities of Daily Living (IADLs) and include these items:
It’s important to keep an eye on older adults and be sure to ask yourself things like this:
These activities and instruments of daily life are just the beginning. There are further warning signs relating to elder abuse, mental health, physical health, and safety. For more information on these subjects, read Dr. Kernisan’s full interview.
Dr. Melissa Henston, Geriatric Psychologist
Mental health and wellbeing are just as important as physical health and safety. According to Geriatric Psychologist Dr. Melissa Henston, adult children can often spot clues that something is wrong as soon as they pull into the driveway. If the lawn is overgrown or the driveway hasn’t been cleared, those may all be warning signs that your parents or senior family members are struggling.
Once inside the house, you can often tell that something is ‘off’ immediately. Does it smell? Is it messy? Keep an eye out for these warning signs:
If any of these basic warning signs are triggered then you will need to look deeper into the matter. You may want to begin considering full-time geriatric care or assisted living options. For more warning signs and what to do next, read Dr. Henston’s full interview.
Andy Smith, Senior VP of Financial Planning at Financial Engines
Talking about money with your parents (or anyone for that matter) can often be a sensitive subject. However, as your senior parents get older it becomes an increasingly important subject to address.
Many seniors have radically underestimated the cost of retirement. Many find themselves unprepared for the very real costs of medical diagnosis or treatment. As Smith points out, an “average 65-year-old couple thinks they’ll spend around $50K on healthcare costs throughout retirement. In reality, [the] number’s closer to $241K.”
Smith also warns that Social Security is not enough. And while there is no secret formula to retire with enough money to meet all your needs, the best option is to simply save as much as you can for as long as you can before retiring.
Thanks to modern medical advancements, many elderly seniors are living longer than they thought they would. While this is a huge blessing to you and your family, it can also mean that unanticipated financial burdens are placed on you and other family members. Preparing for these potential additional costs means having a conversation about your parents’ financial position, expenses, lifestyle, medical needs, and other sensitive topics.
Approach the conversation with care! Smith advises that you:
It can also help to speak to a professional, but be careful. Stay involved and be wary of unscrupulous advisors who offer unqualified medical advice, or are looking to take advantage of their senior clients. Most importantly, use their feedback as advice for informational purposes only. It’s up to your parents and family members to make any final decisions. Learn what you need to get started, and how to stay safe by reading Smith’s full interview.
Stuart Furman, Esq., Elder Law Attorney
Unfortunately, many seniors are more vulnerable than they were when they were younger. To ensure that their wishes are carried out while also protecting you and your family, you need to discuss legal matters with them candidly.
Everyone, regardless of age, should have both a will and a living will, but this is especially true for older adults.2 They should also have, and you should be aware of, these items:
For more information on how to have a conversation about your elderly parents’ legal matters, what they need to do to protect themselves and their family, and what you can do to help them, read Stuart Furman, Esq.’s full interview.
Our advisors help 300,000 families each year find the right senior care for their loved ones.
Dr. Wes Ashford, Neuroscientist, Psychiatrist and expert in Alzheimer’s disease
Some degree of cognitive impairment is one of the unfortunate side effects of advanced age for many adults. Memory loss or other signs of mental decline can be scary and devastating for seniors as well as their adult children, but there are ways to handle it. Dr. Ashford recommends that you keep an eye out for the warning signs this holiday season. Do your parents exhibit any of these things:
Some seniors may try to cover up their memory loss or develop coping mechanisms to mask their difficulty. To catch all the warning signs, adult children are advised to be extra vigilant and pay close attention to their aging parents. For more information about age-related cognitive decline, how to spot it, what to do about it, and how to talk about it, read Dr. Ashford’s full interview here.
For many families this holiday, starting the conversation will be the most difficult part of addressing these issues with an aging parent or other family members. “Typically you need to look for the opening and opportunity, rather than just jumping in,” Dr. Henston recommends. “Don’t try to take control. Try to get a natural conversation going.”
Your parents will always view you first and foremost as their child, this is natural. Dealing with a sudden role reversal is difficult for many parents to handle. In many cases, this attitude, combined with other issues, means that they will be reluctant to listen.
It is important to remember that your parents need you to be an advocate for their health, especially when mental or physical decline starts to impact their ability to advocate for themselves. Although they may be resistant to your help, and while their wishes are important, you need to know how and when to keep pushing. Often, stubbornness and resistance to communication in an aging senior can be a warning sign.
To break through to your aging loved ones, remember that you need to separate your needs from the needs of your parents. Get the rest of the family on board, discuss everything, and remember to be compassionate but firm in explaining what you believe is best. Whether it’s exploring assisted living options, arranging long term care for aging parents or any other senior living topics, your conversation will go better if you take a firm but thoughtful approach.
1Fowler, K. (2019, June 19). ADLs and IADLs. Retrieved from https://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/adls-and-iadls/.
2Fowler, K. (2019, October 30). 5 Misconceptions About a Power of Attorney. Retrieved from https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/misconceptions-about-a-power-of-attorney.