Nov 02, 2016 - 09:26 AM
You definatley need to seek the advice of an elder law attorney in the area.
If you file for guardianship and lose it could be damaging to your relationship with your father. It seems there is little harm that could be done to the relationship between you and your brother. If you believe he is being exploited and have any evidence to support that claim you certianly should file to protect him.
Nov 10, 2016 - 08:59 AM
The Plight of Family Caregivers
Caregiving can be very stressful and demanding. In the case of a healthy spouse or a child living with the disabled person at home, caregiving can be a 24 hour, 7 day a week commitment. But even for the caregiver not living in the home, looking after a loved one or friend can consume all of the caregiver's free time.
Surveys and studies consistently show that depression is a major problem with full-time informal caregivers. This is typically brought on by stress and fatigue as well as social isolation from family and friends. If allowed to go on too long, the caregiver can sometimes break down and may end up needing long term care as well.
A typical pattern may unfold as follows:
- 1 to 18 months--the caregiver is confident, has everything under control and is coping well. Other friends and family are lending support.
- 20 to 36 months--the caregiver is taking medication to sleep and control mood swings. Outside help dwindles away and except for trips to the store or doctor, the caregiver has severed most social contacts. The caregiver feels alone and helpless.
- 38 to 50 months--Besides needing tranquilizers or antidepressants, the caregiver's physical health is beginning to deteriorate. Lack of focus and sheer fatigue cloud judgment and the caregiver is often unable to make rational decisions or ask for help. It is often at this stage that family or friends intercede and find other solutions for care. This may include respite care, hiring home health aides or putting the disabled loved one in a facility. Without intervention, the caregiver may become a candidate for long term care as well.
Since most people go into informal caregiving without training or counseling they often aren't aware of the possible outcome described above. It is therefore extremely important to receive counseling and to formulate a plan of action prior to making a caregiving commitment.
It is fairly common for one member of the family to shoulder the burden of caregiving and other members of the family to be less involved or not involved in all. A very common reason that other members of the family are not involved is because someone has taken over the care and other family members are more than glad to let that person assume the responsibility. Here is an example.
Shelley has been watching out for and helping her mother since her father died of a sudden heart attack a year ago. Shelley's mother is 77 and Shelley's father, was a veteran of Korea. Her mother has arthritis and has difficulty bathing, dressing and moving around and she is also exhibiting early signs of dementia.
Mother makes $1,200 a month in Social Security, has $2,000 in savings and owns her own home. She has substantial consumer debt that she is burdened with and she cannot make ends meet. Shelley has been helping her meet her obligations. Mother also takes advantage of the low income utilities programs and other government support to help the elderly poor.
A good friend and neighbor stops by in the morning to help mother get dressed and to fix her breakfast and Meals on Wheels comes at noon to leave her lunch. Shelley comes by in the late afternoon, after work, and fixes her mother dinner, helps her get a bath if necessary and gets her ready for bed. Shelley spends her entire weekends with her mother. Shelley has no husband or children but she also has no life of her own because of the care of her mother.
Her brothers and sisters, who also live in the area, are perfectly happy with this arrangement because they have their own families and they think everything is under control. They have made no offers to help, other than to take mom shopping or to the doctor. However, they always seem to have plenty of advice for Shelley. Shelley feels trapped.
Shelley attends a presentation during her lunch break at work entitled “Planning Strategies for Aging Seniors” and obtains a copy of the book by the same name. After reading the book, she realizes she has many more options than she thought and she feels empowered to take better control of the caregiving morass she has fallen into.
She discovers some of the caregiving options available to her. She next consults with a financial planner and an elder law attorney to understand funding and legal issues.
Her next step is to arrange a meeting between her, her mother and her brothers and sisters.
Mother is absolutely adamant about staying in her home as long as she can, and because her family loves her, they want to respect her wishes as far as humanly possible.
Shelley has uncovered the following solutions for care:
- As a result of reading the book, Shelley discovers the value of using a care manager. Shelley hires a care manager to do an assessment of her mother and the care manager has a number of valuable recommendations, including the involvement of other family members. The care manager, who is a nurse, also feels that mother’s arthritis could be treated more adequately to provide some improvement. She also suspects the mild dementia is probably due to poor nutrition, lack of stimulation and depression and is not an organic condition. The care manager has suggested a geriatrician for Shelley's mother, who has an excellent reputation for diagnosing and treating and improving health conditions in the elderly.
- Because Shelley's father was a veteran, her mother can get a little over $1,000 a month from VA to cover home care costs. This is extra money on top of the Social Security.
- Her mother can qualify for a reverse mortgage to pay off the debt and turn remaining funds into an additional lifetime income to allow her to stay in the home.
- Someone needs to have power of attorney and there must be a plan in place with what to do with the house in case mother can no longer live at home and must go to a facility. The attorney and financial planner have offered some good suggestions.
Because of her demanding schedule as caregiver and working full time, Shelley needs help from her family in arranging for these solutions and in giving her the additional support she needs as a caregiver. She has a long talk with her older brother and helps him understand the situation and he agrees to call a family meeting. He also agrees to discuss the situation with other family members and to come away with an agreement between them all on how to support their mother in the home and help Shelley as the caregiver.
The family meets together and the older brother goes over the entire scenario with the others, who up to this point have been content to let Shelley handle everything and really do not know all that is going on.
Agreements are made for members of the family to assume responsibilities for completing the solutions to a care plan. The older brother will be power of attorney and be responsible for the finances because he is a CPA. In addition, by understanding their sister's plight, other family members agree to help with the caregiving as well.
An agreement is drawn up and everyone is given a copy. The older brother has been designated as the family care coordinator and he assumes responsibility of making sure everyone follows the care plan that was agreed to.
His ultimate responsibility is to make sure that all solutions and other options have been explored to provide the best care for their mother; and in addition, that everyone lives up to his or her promise made in the care agreement.
Put Together a Family Care Plan
The Need for a Family Care Plan
Very few families are prepared for the challenge of long term care for a loved one. This is because very few families plan for the contingency of needing long term care. The seniors themselves typically ignore the need for planning and the children or grandchildren are tied up in their own lives and as long as mom and dad or grandma and grandpa are doing fine on their own, little thought is made towards whether they might need help or not.
The need for care often arises suddenly and the family is unprepared. The aged loved one might have a fall and end up in the hospital. Or grandma may wander from home and get lost and the family realizes there is a dementia problem. Or perhaps the kids visit one day and find that their parent or parents are not feeding themselves properly or taking care of themselves in other ways. Or perhaps a visit reveals that a loved one is dealing with disability challenges. Any of a number of multiple issues dealing with aging, dependence on others or a change in health can confront members of the family unexpectedly. And even in those situations where the need for care is a gradual transition, the family is reluctant to do anything about it until something happens to trigger a decision.
Because no planning has been done, the person who ends up being the caregiver such as the spouse or the daughter is thrust into this situation without any adequate preparation. Children who are caregivers are often working and have little time to do research and find out what sort of help is available to assist them as caregivers. Perhaps the only time they have is during a lunch break at work doing searches on their computers.
Once a caregiver has been ushered into the role of giving care, there is often little time to do other than to provide care for the loved one. Shopping for food, picking up prescriptions or other items necessary for supporting a loved one become a burden. Trying to balance everything with the busy task of providing care is difficult. There is often little time left over for the personal needs of the caregiver. The caregiver is also often so consumed with his or her task at hand, that time to reflect and plan and search for better solutions for caregiving is lacking. Stress from providing care increases and thinking becomes confused. Caregivers often make poor decisions, affecting not only the care they provide but their own lives as well.
Very few families share the burden of caregiving. This burden usually devolves upon one person and though other members of the family may be supportive, they are usually very happy to let that person take the full burden so that they can go on with their lives. Those professionals who provide care giving support to families have seen this same situation over and over again. The situation of an overburdened caregiver is usually the norm and families working together is often the exception.
Not only is one person usually stuck with providing the care, but family members often criticize that person and may even develop resentment towards the caregiver. A sibling caregiver will often use the parents’ funds not only for supplies and other necessities but often for the caregiver’s personal needs. Sometimes other family members feel that the caregiving sibling is unjustly taking mom’s and dad’s money. This also provides justification for allowing the caregiver to assume the full burden without family support because family members think that the caregiver data is being rewarded for his or her services.
Putting Together a Family Care Plan
A family care plan can go a long ways towards lessening the burden on a caregiver and resolving misunderstandings between family members. By working together, the family can grow closer together in providing care. Without any care plan and after the death of the loved one receiving care, feelings often bubble over, resentments intensify and families struggle to get along because of the challenges created by the need for care.
Things can even get worse. If other members of the family feel that the sibling caregiver had unfair access to the parents’ savings and income, resentments over who gets what in an inheritance can develop quickly. Even though expenditures for providing care could have been legitimate, the suspicions are there. Fights even develop over keepsakes or treasures that the caregiver had access to and may have taken without giving other members of the family the option to inherit. These items often have little intrinsic value but have great sentimental value.
Every family should attempt to sit down and counsel together and work together to provide a plan for supporting the caregiver – working towards a common goal and making sure that potential disagreements relating to inheritance are settled prior to the death of the loved one.
Here are some of the important issues that a family care plan and agreement should address.
APPOINTING A FAMILY CARE COORDINATOR
Every family usually has a natural leader. Some families don’t. The father or the mother could still be in charge or they may have relinquished their decision-making to a favored child. This favored child is looked to by other members of the family to provide the leadership for making decisions concerning care. This person may or may not be the caregiver. It is preferable that a person acting as a family care coordinator for decisions pertaining to what is best for the person needing care, is not the caregiver. By separating the caregiver from the care coordination, the caregiver can focus entirely on his or her job and look to the coordinator to provide all of the other support.
MAKING SURE END-OF-LIFE ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN MADE AND FUNDED
Making sure that final directives are signed, wills and trusts are up-to-date, living wills are in place, powers of attorney are appropriate, and funding for a funeral and burial is in place should be the job of the family care coordinator. If no one is willing to step forward, unfortunately, the caregiver will be burdened with this additional responsibility. Perhaps in a family where there is a vacuum of leadership, the caregiver can assign other members of the family or friends to help with end-of-life issues. Or perhaps, an agreement must be made to hire professionals to provide the support.
FINDING GOVERNMENT SUPPORT PROGRAMS
There are numerous government support programs as well as potential long term care funding options through government programs. Most caregivers and their families know little about these programs. There is no one single source for locating all of the various options that are available to support caregivers and their families in the community. Unfortunately, caregivers often don’t have the time to research such programs. This should be the responsibility of the family care coordinator if there is one. If there is no care coordinator, the family should consider hiring a professional such as a geriatric care manager to guide them through the maze of support programs and help them find provider assistance as well as financial assistance.
INVOLVING ALL INTERESTED PARTIES IN MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT CARE
Some families are challenged when it comes to providing care for a loved one at home. Perhaps all of the children are living far away and it is impossible for them to provide support for a loved one. Perhaps there are no children. Sometimes grandchildren or friends are involved in care. The approach to providing support for a loved one must not be a spur of the moment or flippant decision. Great thought should go into how to provide that care by involving members of the family. If there is no one to step forward or if the burden of providing assistance is too great in the home, then a decision must be made as to where to place the loved one to receive the best care. This may be an independent living facility, a government-funded group home or a nursing home. These decisions should be carefully considered by everyone involved in the person’s life who is receiving care. A meeting of all of those who are involved should be scheduled and an appropriate decision made.
ASSISTING WITH CAREGIVING
Depending on the level of care needed, the caregiver may have things under control. If a great deal of time is needed for caregiving supervision for a loved one, the caregiver will need assistance if the loved one is to remain in the home. The care coordinator and the caregiver should not be shy about asking family members as well as friends or members of a church congregation to pitch in and help with the care. A caregiver who is burdened day and night overseeing a loved-one, will eventually burn out and will often become a candidate for long term care as well. This should not be allowed to happen.
PROVIDING LOGISTICAL SUPPORT FOR THE CAREGIVER
The caregiver providing support at home is usually challenged by not having enough time to do everything. It is often the case that the caregiver is a daughter or daughter-in-law who has her own family and may be employed as well. She is hard-pressed to balance the needs of her family with the needs of her parent or parents. She typically needs help in procuring things from the store, doing laundry, providing trips to the doctor, picking up prescriptions, cooking meals, cleaning both her home and the home of the loved one and so forth. Family members who are available should be involved in providing all of this logistical support for the caregiver. Ironically, family members are often available, but the caregiver fails to ask for help. This is where a family care coordinator becomes valuable. The care coordinator can focus on providing all of the logistical support and free up the caregiver for all of the other things she needs to accomplish in her life.
PROVIDING FINANCIAL SUPPORT FOR THE CAREGIVER
If, there are other members of the family who have the means to help, a caregiver should never have to fund caregiving costs solely out of her own pocket. This is simply not fair. On the other hand, caregivers will spend their own money simply because they are afraid or reluctant to ask for help. Again, this is where a family care coordinator can be valuable. The care coordinator is typically the family leader and as such does not have as much reluctance asking other members the family to step forward and provide financial support. Addressing these issues should be part of every family care plan.
PROVIDING RESPITE SUPPORT FOR THE CAREGIVER
Caregiver burnout can happen without the caregiver realizing it. The pressure of providing assistance, especially for a caregiver who has his or her own family to worry about, is extremely stressful. Because of the stress and the depression that often accompanies it, caregivers have difficulty making good decisions. Sometimes, caregivers are so overloaded that they develop mental and physical problems themselves. If there is family support, a caregiver should not be subjected to this sort of punishment. A family care plan should include scheduled commitments from family members to take over the job of the caregiver for a period of time such as a weekend or a week or even a month to allow the caregiver to receive some rest and recuperation. Family members who don’t recognize this responsibility for the caregiver are being cruel and uncaring towards that member of their family.
DETERMINING HOW ASSETS PRIOR TO DEATH COULD BE PRESERVED FOR THE FAMILY
Many families are not aware of planning strategies to preserve assets from the cost of long term care. Some government programs can be used to provide care or to provide income for that care and free up the use of those assets for this purpose. There are also legal strategies to preserve assets. Every family care plan should include a discussion on how to get assistance with preserving assets. If there is a way to avoid it, no family should dissipate those assets needlessly on the cost of long term care.
DETERMINING HOW ASSETS REMAINING AFTER DEATH WILL BE DIVIDED
It is fairly common for members of a family to act noble prior to a loved one’s death and disclaim that they have any interest in inheriting any assets. This is typically not true. Most family members are secretly concerned about getting something regardless of how much they insist that the money should go towards care for the loved one. Family members should recognize the existence of these feelings and bring them out into the open. A family meeting and care plan should frankly discuss what will happen with the assets and how they are to be used for care. Such an openness can help reduce or eliminate any resentments or animosities after death that could develop when someone feels that they have not received what they thought they should have received as an inheritance.
DETERMINING HOW KEEPSAKES AND SPECIAL TREASURES WILL BE DIVIDED
Even if there are few assets to divide up after death, every family has special keepsakes or treasures or written documents that were special to their loved ones. These things are often special to members of the family as well. Nothing can create greater animosity than something special that was promised to one child being discarded or ending up in the hands of someone else. Even though these things often have little financial value, they have tremendous sentimental value to those who desire them. It is extremely important that every family come together and decide who will get what after the death. We provide a form for family members meeting together in a care plan to fill out so that there is a written document that spells out who will get what.
DETERMINING HOW THE CAREGIVER WILL BE REIMBURSED, IF APPLICABLE
It is often the case that either to sooth consciences from the guilt of sticking one person with a load of caregiving or out of true desire to be supportive, families will agree to provide a salary for the family caregiver. Such an arrangement should be discussed when meeting for family care plan. Caution should be exercised when setting up such plans, because such an arrangement may disqualify the person receiving care from getting Medicaid assistance. A professional advisor who understands these family care arrangements should be consulted before setting up the plan.
The Family Care Coordinator
When it is feasible, a member of the family who has the capability of personally working with the family care plan should be assigned as a care coordinator. Choosing a care coordinator to help with the creation, the implementation, and the directives of a family care plan is important to making sure that the planning process runs smoothly. This person is not the caregiver. This person carries out the plan and supports the caregiver.
Here is why the care coordinator is so important. If the caregiver is a family member, that person is almost always thrust into his or her role without preparation. The caregiver typically becomes enmeshed in making decisions for medical care, arranging doctor visits or hospital stays and in providing services and companionship for the care recipient. As such, the caregiver becomes distracted from arranging family support, finding resources or committing to counseling and training. The caregiver needs the support and direction that the care coordinator gives.
The family care coordinator becomes the advocate and guide in making sure all of the pieces of the puzzle fit together. A coordinator can be a child, a close friend, a sibling, a trusted advisor, a professional social worker, a counselor or a geriatric care manager. This person has agreed to help make arrangements and to see that the written care agreement is being followed.
Below are some of the activities a care coordinator might perform.
- Make sure an assessment of the care recipient is made and a plan of care is designed.
- Become familiar with the community resources and planning strategies and help the caregiver use them.
- Make sure the caregiver receives counseling and training.
- If applicable, organize a family council and solicit caregiving commitments.
- Act as an advocate for the caregiver and make sure people honor their commitments.
- Help with transportation, arrangement of meals and visits from formal caregivers.
- Help with financial decisions if needed.
- Maintain copies of legal documents and make sure they are up-to-date.
- Accompany the caregiver on meetings with government agencies and provide advice with decisions that have to be made.
· Contact appropriate professional planners to advise about and implement financial strategies.
- Make sure that professional care providers are competent and that all professional options have been explored.
- Maintain copies of financial preparations to pay for care and help with putting them into effect.
- Make sure the care management plan is followed.
Remember, the care coordinator and caregiver should not be the same person, especially if they are both family. The care coordinator needs to support and provide resources for the caregiver. It is extremely difficult for the caregiver and the coordinator to wear the same hat.
If there is difficulty with involving family members or others agreeing on a plan of care, then use an elder or family mediator. Some professional care managers are also mediators.
With the consent of everyone who is part of the care plan, you can secure the services of a mediator when holding the care planning meeting. It is surprising how many families are torn apart because of feelings and jealousy that happen with a parent’s long term care. The mediator will help each person express his or her feelings and concerns and resolve any conflicts.
Organize a Care Planning Meeting
If one person has been designated as the family care coordinator and wants the other persons attending the meeting to give support with respite care, transportation to doctors, etc., everyone needs to be aware of this and in total agreement to do it. All must also be willing to work with the member of the family, friend or professional who is the care coordinator. If each attendee is given a copy of the instructions and wishes, he or she will be more understanding and supportive.
If the family care coordinator and/or the caregiver is not a family member, it is important that the family know this and that they are willing to work with these persons in support of the care.
We keep saying “IMPORTANT” as we talk about bringing the participants together. Experience has shown that even families that are close can quickly grow angry, jealous and hostile towards each other when an aging parent begins to need long term care. If a sibling moves into the parent’s home, others can easily be suspicious of ulterior motives and fear to lose their inheritance. On the other hand, the child doing the entire care taking becomes bitter and feels there is no support or help from siblings.
One example of a family misunderstanding is that of a brother accusing his sister of stealing all of the money from the reverse mortgage of his parent’s home.
Karen, who is a single mom with two children, moves in with her parents after her father has a stroke to help her mother take care of him. Her mother is not totally physically capable of caring for her husband. Needing money to pay for a home care service, Karen encourages her mother do a reverse mortgage on the home, which will provide the needed funds. Karen’s brother becomes upset and persuades his parents not to do the reverse mortgage. He doesn’t tell his sister that he suspects she is trying to get the money out of the house to benefit herself. If communication had been open and Karen’s brother had known the need and been involved with his parents care, he would not have reacted negatively.
Every family is different. Some families are close and some have never been compatible. Nonetheless, all family members should be invited to the agreement meeting. If you feel the communication will be strained, consider having a professional mediator present. The mediator will be able to keep things calm and running smoothly and help work out each person’s concern. Make sure you get everyone's consent before bringing in a mediator.
Then--and here is another IMPORTANT issue--ask for each member attending to give his or her input. Allow participants to voice their concerns and give suggestions. Encourage each person to tell what he likes and dislikes about the care plan. For those who disagree, ask how they would like to see that part handled.
This does not mean you need to change your plan. The person needing the care is the ultimate decision maker. But if a small change will make everyone more supportive, it is worth it. It is very important not to dictate but to encourage attendees to communicate their concerns, their desires or their suggestions and be a part of the long term care plan.
Suggestions on Where to Conduct the Meeting
The first step to holding a meeting, and perhaps the most difficult one, is to get all interested persons together in one place at one time. If it's a family gathering, perhaps a birthday, an anniversary or another special event could be used as a way to get all to meet. Or maybe even a special dinner might be an incentive.
The person conducting the meeting can be a parent or one person of a couple who are doing their planning, years before the need for care arises. A meeting on behalf of someone already receiving care or needing care in the immediate future could be conducted by that person or by a member of the family, by an adviser or a friend. The person conducting the meeting should be someone who is respected by all those attending. Preferably, this is the Care Coordinator.
The agenda could be formal or informal. If you want a formal agenda, we suggest using our care planning checklist as the agenda.
Copies of the care plan should be prepared prior to the meeting and presented to those attending. Discussion is encouraged and we recommend that the person in charge not dictate but encourage input from everyone.
After a thorough discussion of the issues and the presentation of the solutions to the problems that will be encountered, there should be a consensus of all attending to support the plan. If the plan needs to be altered to meet everyone's expectations then by all means do so if that can be done. But it is not always possible to please everyone so there must sometimes be compromise.
The end of the meeting should consist of asking everyone present to make his or her commitment to support the plan. This might just simply be moral support and agreement to abide by the provisions or it is hoped that those attending will volunteer to do something constructive. This might mean commitments to providing care, transportation, financial support, making legal arrangements or some other tangible support.
Create a Family Caregiving Agreement
A Written Agreement Is Better Than a Verbal Agreement
All good intentions seem to be forgotten with time. Without a written agreement and within a few months, family members, who were so supportive to begin with, will be distracted by other issues and typically will not live up to their commitments. If there are vocal commitments to help with transportation to doctors, give respite to the caregiver or other commitments, write them down on the care agreement. To help with the commitment, each person pledging help should sign the agreement.
Even with the written agreement, family members often renege on their support. However, the written agreement is valuable. Showing those who are not living up to their duty a copy of a written pledge has more weight with persuading them to live up to their commitments by asking them for help. It is so typical that when going back and asking for the help that was originally offered, all sorts of excuses are offered for not providing that help. Even though it is not a contract, a written and signed document carries much more weight in reminding them of their commitment than pleading for assistance.
Despite the advantage of a written agreement, the approach might be a little too heavy-handed for many families. Or other families might see it as offensive. Every family is different. If a written and signed agreement won’t work, don’t offend the family with it. Perhaps everyone would be supportive of simply writing down their commitments without a signature. If not, then a verbal agreement will have to suffice
Complete the “Family Caregiving Agreement Form” If Applicable
This planning agreement is not a contract, but writing down these commitments on the agreement form is one of the most important parts of the planning process. By having a written agreement, it is more likely that those attending will fulfill their commitments.
One way to do this, that may be less offensive to some people, is to pass the agreement form around after a discussion where help is offered and ask each person to write down his or her offer of help and sign it so that the care coordinator will know whom to call later on.
If an agreement is not produced during this meeting, then an effort should be made to have additional meetings until an agreement is reached. If no agreement is eventually reached, then the plan must go forward as outlined, with the care coordinator in charge, and hopefully no major family disputes or unsolvable problems will occur.
When an agreement is reached you will want to make copies of the completed form to give to everyone who attended the meeting or who is involved in your plan.
Complete the “Who-Gets-What-List” Form
We discussed previously the importance of a who gets what list to avoid the possibility of family disputes. We include a form for this purpose and encourage its completion during a family care planning meeting.
Family Caregiving Agreement
Date and place of this agreement ___________________________________________________________
List below the names of all those persons attending. If any of these persons is not a family member or friend, indicate the reason for this person attending.
Write in the space below and in the space on the next page, the commitments made by those attending this meeting, who have agreed to help with the long term care plan. Do this by writing the person's name followed by a description of the commitment that person has made. Be specific and provide details to include the amount of commitment, how often, when, where and so on. Or another way to do this is to have the person making a commitment personally write his or her promise on this form and possibly include his or her signature.
After this agreement is completed, make copies of both sides and send these copies to the people who attended the meeting. If those in attendance wish to sign this agreement, they can do so in the space below.
This list is important because long term care is often the final event of a person’s life and often robs that person of the ability to make decisions about what family members should get. In addition, the type of planning that goes into preparing for long term care would naturally include provisions for dividing up personal possessions even before death occurs.
This list should include those personal items of little intrinsic value, but of great sentimental value to members of the family. This would be things such as needlework, knitting projects, crochet projects, special China settings, memorabilia, journals, personal artwork, handicrafts and much more. The list should name the item and then name the person who will get it.