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My husband wants my father out of our house. What do I do?

I quit my job and spent a month dealing with legal issues caused by my widowed 86 year old father being taken advantage of financially and emotionally. I then moved him from his home of 40 years in FL to our home in GA in December. He also experiences short term forgetfulness, confusion. weakness in legs.... Dad can be very difficult and annoyingly tells the same "stories" repeatedly, which drives my husband (and me) crazy. He can tell you the smallest details of things that happened in 1946, but doesn't remember what, or if, he had breakfast.

The plan was to move him here temporarily while selling his home, then moving him into assisted living. The house is under contract and will close on 2/29. My husband has told me that he must be out by March 1st as our son, who just got out of the Army, and his wife and 2 children are going to be moving in with us until they can get settled into civilian life.

Dad has "forgotten" that this situation was always intended to be temporary and any mention of moving makes him very angry. He's convinced it's all about money and keeps offering to pay me rent.

How can I make him understand it's not about money it's about logistics and what is best for all of us? We have no medical diagnosis of dementia or alzheimers, so cannot "make" him agree to move into assisted living. I have Duarable POA, but without a medical diagnosis I don't know what to do to keep peace and sanity in my family.
Status: Open    Feb 17, 2016 - 08:32 AM

Relationships, Caregiving

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3 answers

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Feb 18, 2016 - 09:01 PM

Hi Megan,

I read your question and couldn't help but think of some valuable info I came across recently. I learned about a Teepa Snow--an expert in the dementia field--while getting my CNA license prior to nursing school. I absolutely love what she has to say! She sees the aging/changing brain differently and has many helpful videos, classes, and tips to help a person better understand dementia and how to best care for someone with dementia. I know your father hasn't been diagnosed with dementia, but I think you might find help in some of her resources. Also, she lists care facilities who have adopted her philosphy of care. One happens to be in GA (The Arbor Company: Superior Senior Living on the)! I don't know anything about that facility (I'm on the West Coast) or how close The Arbor Company is to you, but since it's located in GA and affiliated it Teepa Snow I thought it would be worth sharing with you. Anyway, I found that list on her website,, under the "About" tab on the left (the "Early Adopters" options is at the bottom).
It makes me angry to think of our vulnerable populations being taken advantage of. I hope some of this helps and that you find peace for your situation.

Take care,


Feb 20, 2016 - 05:49 AM

I don't have many answers, but I feel for you.

My father can get confused, angry and biting.

One area that has been surprisingly helpful for me in restoring peace and sanity has been me doing my own self care so that I don't feel so squeezed. If I'm sane, the rest if the family deals a bit better.

I also enlisted our elder care attny in helping my dad see that there were financial options beyond him direct paying out of pocket for things (insurance, VA).

Stay strong and trust this will work out.

Feb 22, 2016 - 08:41 AM

It seems quite clear that your dad is dealing with either dementia or possibly alzheimers. The repetitive storytelling and short term memory loss are clear signs of this. First of all, do NOT let that drive you crazy. He is not doing this intentionally, he cannot help it with either dementia or alzheimers. It's like the "chalkboard in his mind is wiped clean ever few minutes" so he really can't remember that he may have just told you something. Physically, is he able to live alone, even in an assisted living facility? Will he get the care he needs?

Talking about the move may make him angry, but once he's in the new facility, he may very well adjust. The fact that he can reason about paying you rent, etc. is very telling about his mental situation.

Bottom line is you may not make him understand that it's not about money. If this is truly what you need to do, then you may just have to do it. I would definitely take him to the doctor first though before doing anything.

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