Jan 05, 2016 - 09:25 AM
Although your mother-in-law is mobile, albeit slow, she is aging. And, each year after age 85 becomes more and more difficult. You may want to explore an adult day care in your area. If you were to do Fridays and Mondays, you could have a "longer" weekend to yourself.
There is nothing wrong with waving the white flag. Caregiving is a difficult, emotional activity.
You may want to convince your husband to consider a move into a local assisted living community. Some are more affordable than others, especially if she is mobile and continent. HAVE HIM work up a plan to divide "extra" fees among all family members on his side. Maybe $100 each a month would do it and it wouldn't be so financially draining.
Of course, it's your mother-in-law that feels she is a burden. She's part of the 'Silent Generation' who lived through the Depression, WW2, McCarthism, Korea and more. They were taught to "say something nice or don't say anything." They keep their feelings to themselves. But, this doesn't mean that you should sacrifice your life when others won't step up. At 62, it won't be long before you'll be in her place.
Jan 06, 2016 - 03:11 PM
First let me start off by saying, I totally understand, been there... however, what I've learned is that we teach people how to treat us. My brothers-in-law stayed far away when their mother and father became afflicted with dementia. We had a family pow-wow. Set up a conference line for all those out of state. You cannot move your mother-in-law around like a piece of heirloom furniture, but they certainly can come to you since she lives with you. In addition to that, create a bank account that everyone is expected to deposit into so that a caregiver can be hired. Let them know that as of X you are not the caregiver. It's tough love, certainly, but it has to occur. You can also look into having your MIL move into an appropriate senior living community, again with everyone paying for it. There are also communities out there that offer respite care (the respite is for YOU, however, your MIL will live there for a while, short term). There are also lending companies that allow of multiple people listed as guarantors. If you're afraid it may come down to an argument, ask your pastor or minister to sit in, or engage a senior living advisor for assistance. I hope this has helped.