Jan 02, 2016 - 10:09 AM
I am sorry your mother is unhappy, but that is her choice. I just moved my mother into assisted living because she has dementia. Prior to that, my husband and I considered moving her up to our property into a small home so we could keep an eye on her and care for her. She is 90, and has always been difficult to please. When I found out that she had dementia, and gave serious thought to caring for her full time, I decided against it. After my father died in 2010, I have been responsible for her, her bills, and after she quit driving (thankfully!) I took her to all her appointments and shopping, etc. I have picked one day a week to do these appointments and errands, and only occasionally do I see her another day of the week. It has been my responsibility to move her out of her home, find an assisted living community that her insurance would cover, and rent out her home. My mother has chosen to take care of herself with hearing aids and surgery for her eyes, and she has decided to participate in activites at the assisted living comunity. She also says she is ready to go. But it is not your responsibility to make your mother happy, it is hers. Biblically, we are to honor our parents, but that does not mean doing everything they want us to to make them happy. It means living our lives in an honorable way - there are some parents that just can't be pleased! As married adults with children, our spouses and children come before our parents. Of course, as far as it is up to us, we want to be able to get along with them, but sometimes that just can't be. You don't really know that your mother's neighbor's children visit every day. And there may be many of them, so it seems like someone is always there. And, she may be pleasant to visit, unlike your mother. You have NOT abandoned your mother, she has chosen what she will and won't do, and the is living out the consequences of her choices. She is trying to make you feel guilty with the comments she makes, please don't let her define you. You have a choice here, also, and how you allow your mother to define your life and your choices will also affect your family. You are very busy taking care of your family, providing for them, and elementary school aged kids have a lot of activities. To be blunt, your mother is selfish. Be truthful with yourself - have you abandoned her? No. Is she self-centered? Yes. Do you have time to be there 3 times a week, plus take care of your husband, children and home? No. Will she continue to complain? Yes. She has probably always been this way, think about it. And if dementia is involved, it can make an unpleasant person even more so. Please, please, for your own mental health, and that of your family, pick one time a week, maybe a Sunday afternoon, and visit a couple of hours and you will find in time that you have peace. I am sure others have told you the same thing, or close to what I am saying. Just because your mom says what she says, doesn't mean it is true. You sound like a very caring daughter, and you want to please her. If you are honest, you probably could never please her, even if you were there everyday! Please think honestly about this situation, and don't let your mother take your joy in your family away because she chooses to be unhappy!