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How can I convince my sister that assisted living is best for everyone?

My Mom is 92 and still living in her own home. My oldest sister who is 67 and single is living with mom. My father died last year and left all his estate to mom. So mom is paying all the bills with her savings. Dad had a small life insurance but it will not be enough to keep mom till she passes. My sister has her own house 20 minute drive away. She has to look after her house and all moms’ affairs. We sisters (3 of us) help my oldest sister out but since she is the executor of mom's estate only she can do all the legal and signing for mom. What is the problem now is that my sister is so stressed and getting worn out that she is making it difficult for mom. She even hollered at mom sometimes because she gets so frustrated with mom; she doesn't talk nice to mom. Mom tells me about it but won't complain to my sister because mom knows how much my sister has given up just to keep mom in her own home. I'd like to talk to my sister but I'm like mom. We are so thankful to have her there I don't want to push any buttons because she could just say well you do it then; although she isn't like that. She is the kindest person you could ever know and a sweetheart. But she has her stressed out moments with mom. My sister usually leaves every afternoon and goes to her house but comes back every night to sleep at mom's house. Mom is bright and still gets around ok but cannot be left alone too long in case she falls. She uses her walker to protect herself if she does fall. It's too expensive to put her in a home although I know she would be happy there because she loves people and she is alone a lot at home. Mom would love to live in an assisted home place, but there is only one she would agree to go to but she thinks it's not in her budget. I think it is because she would have to sell her home and that would pay for her accommodations. I asked my sister what how long she planned to do what she is doing and she as long as she had to. It's too stressful on her and on mom so How can I convince my sister to maybe find a place that mom would want to go to.

Status: Open    Nov 09, 2015 - 08:07 AM

Canadian Questions, Caregiving

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Expert Answers

Nov 21, 2015 - 06:55 AM

You may want to consider alternatives such as in-home care, senior care auditing, or group homes. These can be less expensive, relieve your sister, and provide peace-of-mind to you.


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By dtrann on Oct 15, 2016 - 08:45 AM | Like (0)  |  Report

I live in BC and had much the same situation. Mom did have a bad fall and could not go back to her home. We tried getting help in she would just fire them. Contact your governing health body as in my case Fraser Health. They will do assesment of your mom and if income low enough will qualify for government funding. At this point in BC it is income based not asset based. Many areas have elder care depts usually in the hospital. Wonderful resource as they have all the geriatric dr's and social workers that can be such big help

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APFM Staff Answers

Nov 09, 2015 - 12:53 PM

If you have questions about senior living communities in your area please feel free to give us a call at 866-568-2989. One of our knowledgeable Senior Living Advisors will be happy to explain the living and financing options available in your area.


Nov 09, 2015 - 11:30 AM

First of all, bless your hearts to your family for doing what you do. I am one of three kids who have care for our mom with Alzheimers. There are so many emotions tied to taking care of a family member. Of course we love that person and want to give them our all, but there is also guilt, fear, responsibility, etc. I recommend contacting A Place for Mom in the area you would want your mom to be placed (if she is placed), to determine her benefits and see exactly what is available and the costs involved. A visit to a financial planner will assist with determining her finances and exactly what she can afford and whether or not to sell or rent her home. If she served in the Military, or her husband, she qualifies for veterans assistance. Placing your mom is a very personal decision, and each family member will have their reasons for placing her vs keeping her at home. I know of a family who kept their mom at home thinking "I want to keep her home as long as possible". I saw this woman deteriorate because there was no socialization except with the care giver (paid care givers during the day and then her adult children in the evenings & weekends). She was very sociable and would have benefited from being placed in an assisted living residence.Us kids recently placed our mom in a memory care/Alzheimers residence, which we found through A Place for Mom. It has been the best decision for her! She is able to socialize and be around others. She gets meals, snacks, her meds on time, etc. Now I can visit mom and we do activities, little road trips (like to a restaurant or a friends home), etc. I am not visiting her as a care giver, but as her daughter. Your mom should not be left alone any longer, if something awful happens no one would feel good about themselves. I look at it this way: Make the decision now and do not wait until a crisis situation occurs. Let your sister know you fully support her and want to do what is right, but its about mom. It is not about the kids, it is about mom and her needs.If your sister is hollering at your mom, she could be accused of elder abuse. You would not want that to escalate. Your sister is at her wits end, and how does she think mom feels being treated that way? No one deserves that. Good luck to you and your family. I wish you the best!

Nov 14, 2015 - 07:33 PM

I was able to move a 91 year old client (I'm a Realtor) into assisted living on a 30 day free trial for respite care. Then a funny thing happened. The other facilites my assistance contacted called back offering the same deal or a greatly reduced rate for the first 3 months! And these are first class facilties. I am trying to convince my 95 year old mother the take a "vaction" and try it out with the knowledge that her home is still there to return to. Maybe this is something you could try. Your sister may also enjoy the break.
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