Oct 13, 2015 - 03:30 PM
Oh I feel for you. I'm not experiencing half the pain and horribleness you are. It's only just become a little nasty lately and even then, I'm not letting her words get to me, but I can imagine this going on and that's why I feel for you. I'm in a much stronger place when it comes from dealing with her too (daughter) as she cannot break me and I'm not caregiving my mother full time.
But what I can relate to you with is the denying of your right to do what you know is right and good for your Mum. And what you always have done. I think we all spend so much time justifying ourselves to others and even to ourselves too with saying, "I'm not doing this out of spite", "It's more than sibling rivalry" and all that stuff that we try and make clear as honestly, when I'm sharing my story to friends etc for some support and advice, I feel like they're thinking - "That's so made up". That's where being strong and resolute in your actions is so important and finding some help for YOU.
I do believe this is a common thing with families, all dynamics too and big or small families, the numbers make no diffierence. You only need two people to have conflict and then what actually doesn't help you at all, is that the other family members remain passive and seemingly taking the higher ground of not 'getting involved' or just condoning quietly what's going on; once again leaving you feeling isolated in the situation and unsupported even. I feel very alone at times. I did phone my brother for some emotional support really, I was careful not to just come in from a tatter-tail mode or even victim mode and I did get that assurrance from him, inadvertently really, just with him and me talking about childhood things, crazy things she did where she was Alz Dem free so then saying how hard it was over the years to differentiate. And just the knowledge that he has my back, together we both are the best people to understand what is best for my mother as our lifetimes have been with her. You cannot minimise that, not matter the relationships between you, and bar neither of us ever having done anything sinister or bad to our mother, no one should lessen our input or role now with her.
So just of late, she has been up there with my mother, (interestingly I saw in a FB video showing them haivng fun, she referred to my daughter as with my name so a little light bulb came on for me), taking her to doctor's appointment (fine, that's great she does that, I'm grateful she tends to this), then shopping up a storm. I have access to Mum's accounts (so does daughter) and see where she's shopped. Clothes mainly, petrol for daughter (this is s first, we've never taken money for our travelling to see her, never did before, why now?), not sure other withdrawals, and yes, she needed clothes but that's something I can do for her and I am mindful of how she spends so I would just do the same and I've done this already on a previous visit. My daughter is living vicariously through her, I know my daughter. And benefitting too in a small way, like eating out and all the other perks I bet. I'm not saying she shouldn't get anything but here's the thing: I want to do all this with my Mum. It's what we always did together in good times, it's something I'd never abuse, I'd always still keep mum real with a bit of leniency because she doesn't do things like this now, not driving and no one to take her.
It's this denying of my role in my Mum's life that is the feeling I'm working through now. That's the hurt and pain I'm feeling. How she is selfishly and for whatever other reason she's doing it such as selfishness and her own issues that demand of her to be this way. How do you fight this? Firstly I won't go in fight mode as that serves no purpose.
I can't control things fully like what Mum spends her money and willingness on with my daughter. Yes I'm looking into the legalities of changing EPOA and I'm going to try and do this with my Mum actually. She is possibly not deemed mentally incapable yet so they don't need to be enforced. If I can somehow have my mum understand what and why I want to do this (and my brother - my brother wants me to be solely in charge of the legalities and he backs me 100% in my decisions). I will also explain that this doesn't change anything of what my daughter is doing with her and for her, it just keeps things right and how they would be if Mum had made these decisions way back. If this fails, then I will see how much is entailed to doing this via a lawyer. I can only try, not put all my energy into it but give it a go.
I will not let my daughter deny me of too much time concering myself with these things. She's stolen enough really, my time and emotions are more precious than financial and things. She has stuff that she will probably will give to my daughter that she shouldn't but hey, it's stuff and that bites but I won't let that take over me. It's stuff. It's the relationship and precious time that I want to be mine, I'll be doing what I can to do that. As I mentioned above, when she called my girl me, I then thought, at least she's having a great time with ME, even if it's not! She is having this wonderful time and she thinks it's with ME! Well in an Alz Dem way but still, it's a small sense of satisfaction out of my daughter's sneaky, underhanded behaviour. You know, my daughter said to me the other day when we were having this tiff, '...if anything, you undermine me with this." Interesting take isn't it? And how could I undermine her with what I do with my Mum? That's why all this is about her and not about me and my needs.
You have to see the truth in what is going on (sorry I don't know your name). If you are coming from pureness of heart, you have to always start your day knowing that. I still think you must look after yourself too right now, however you can do that. Your mother is fine, she's with you and being looked after, you have thie home, get that soundly sorted so no one can take that later off you. Look at your mum and feel the love because it's huge and it's there - you would not be doing this if it wasn't. I'm feeling emotional thinking about that because my heart goes out to you and others feeling so mistreated and alone.
We cannot let these things destroy us. We must stay strong and the main thing to help us do this is to stop and get very present, very present. If we do that, then we realise, right at this moment, we are doing everything right and our mother's love us and we love them.
I thank you for your reply. I send you healing thoughts and blessings, you're amazing. I encourage anyone else going through similar to join in and voice it here so we can all support one another.