Aug 11, 2015 - 09:52 AM
Although you didn't mention it I suspect your Mom has some kind of memory loss. This only add to an otherwise complicated situation.
My experience in helping families whose loved ones have dementia is that the unconditional love factor plays in hard with memory loss. Your mother KNOWS you love her (deep down I believe she does) & she TRUSTS you won't leave her. Therefore she feels your unconditional love. That being said she needs a scapegoat. Those with memory loss tend to use those closest to them who they trust and they know (whether or not the tell you or show you) you love them. It's sort of like a parent/child relationship. A child can become angry & frustrated lashing out at those closest (most often parents) with "I hate you, you don't love me.....etc" Yet when they wake up the next day they are often sweet as pie and ready to move on past the incident.
I often explain to families that working with someone with dementia is like working with a child of sorts. However, your mother (in her mind) still believes SHE is the parent and she is in charge, albeit adding more complications.
The simple answer to caring for someone with dementia is "Every day is a new day, you get to start all over again with a fresh slate." The difference is you remember the incidents from the day before, she doesn't. It's hard not to hold a grudge, it's human nature in a lot of cases, but moving past the verbal accusations, etc may help you have a better peace of mind. If someone confronts you about an accusation (such as withholding ice cream) sort of laugh and tell them "It's very hard caring for someone with dementia who doesn't recall one minute to the next, but I assure you her freezer is stocked with ice cream and she eats a bowl every night. I have to survive with laughter at times."
I hope this is helpful.