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How do I convince Dad's wife that he needs assisted living?

My stepmother refuses to consider letting my dad go to assisted living even though she is not capable of taking care of him. How do I get her to see that it would be the best thing for both of them?
Status: Open    Mar 09, 2015 - 05:03 PM

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May 27, 2015 - 02:09 PM

There are a few things you could try. First and foremost, if you can get her to tour a community, that might be a start. It might dispell some myths she has about senior communities, and what they look and feel like. Here are some other ideas:

*Get to the bottom of what her concerns are--is it financial, giving up the "power", caregiver guilt, etc? Each will have a different approach to how to deal with the situation. Sometimes, you will not be able to get to the bottom of it, being in such close relation to the situation. Often, A Certified Geriatric Care Manager can help with an independent assessment for both clinical/cognitive, financial, etc. They can have a candid conversation with the entire family, including your Stepmother.

*Try Adult Day Care-it will be a break for her, which might help later when talking about "a move". It will also ensure that medications are given correctly during the week, proper care is taken while he is at the program, bathing is done, activities that your dad is able to do, etc.

*Homecare might be an extra set of eyes and ears for you, as well. Being professional caregivers, they can work with your stepmother to fill in gaps in care, and help her with better training and understanding of things she might do different to improve the situation.

*Try a respite or trial stay in a community. If you could get her to consider a 1 to 2 week, up to a month, trial stay in an appropriate community, she may consider it, since there would be no obligation or commitment, and she could always bring him back home. Often, when respite is done, it eases everyone involved, and becomes a great long term solution instead.

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May 30, 2015 - 10:59 AM

It is extremely important to some people to stay in their own home, no matter what. Some people are fearful of being neglected if they go into a ‘home’. It might help if you can convince your stepmother to visit a couple of assisted living facilities with you. She may be surprised to find that one of the facilities provides a pleasant place to live.

On the other hand, have you looked into getting help to come to their home? There are many agencies that provide aide and housekeeping services. There is also the Meals on Wheels program that provides food.

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